I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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