What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
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Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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