What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
