I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
