I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
