If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
