my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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