You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
