omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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