the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
my liver is dry heaving
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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