He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
