I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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