well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
