haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
