You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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