sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
