I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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