my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
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It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
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