Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
