I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my sisters under your porch take her home
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
