1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
