I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
