Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
