A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
