Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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