My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
