cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
