So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
