Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
