i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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