remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
