I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
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I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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