I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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