WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
