I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
