oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
