how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
