I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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