Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
