So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
