May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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