Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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