I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
