i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
