Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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