So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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