Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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