it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
