we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
