I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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