I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
