Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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