I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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