I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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