This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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